


Habit; Soonhoon

by kwanies



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-15
Updated: 2018-10-30
Packaged: 2019-08-02 15:09:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 14,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16307522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kwanies/pseuds/kwanies
Summary: So, they broke up. A while ago.Jihoon thinks he remembers it hurting for a while, a dull ache pulsing purple on the softest parts of his heart, but in time, he healed. They both took the heartbreak of their experience, packed it into a box and left it locked up in their respective closets, never to be looked upon. Old wounds that neither of them could afford opening up again.Or, that's what Jihoon had thought.Soonyoung never was one to get rid of old habits so easily.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> ahh ok so the tags say angst but honestly ??? i don't plan on making this Super Angsty??? like it's going to be one of those messy-confused-emotions type things - admittedly not something i have a lot of experience writing, but i'm gonna try my hardest !! i wanna put my whole heart into making this something worth enjoying, so here's to hoping it pays off <3
> 
> as always, feedback is appreciated !

♧

 

 **JIHOON GOES ABOUT** his days like they're the first seven minutes of a dramedy - you know, the kinds that are sort of structured like coming-of-age films, but made for people who have already come of age? Insert a clip of some twenty-eight-year-old woman running in front of traffic to get to work on time, mere minutes away from an experience that will ultimately change her life - that sort of thing.

Except, Jihoon's never mere minutes away from a life-changing experience. It's always the same thing, day in and day out.

Seungkwan tells him he needs to get out there and  _do something_ , whatever that means. Go to parties, sign up for a dating site, take a cooking class,  _stop being such a boring fuck and live your life_  - his words exactly.

"I'm happy the way I am," Jihoon always tells him, and his response is always the same:

"No, you're not. That's just a lie you tell to comfort yourself because you  _know_  you're sadder than you'd like to admit."

That's usually the point at which Vernon will tell Seungkwan to stop meddling, and Jihoon will go on rolling his eyes and being unbothered.  _Pretending_  to be unbothered? No, no, he really doesn't care.

Anyway.

Stage one of Jihoon's day-in-the-life: Saturday edition; coffee at the nearest café with, speak of the devil, his asshole friends. 

Jihoon truly wishes he could say the first thing he hears upon entering the small hole in the wall coffee shop is the barista asking him if he'd like two shots of espresso - instead, however, he's blessed with the human airhorn that is Boo Seungkwan.

"Good morning, Jihoon. Enjoying your day off from being corporate Korea's bitch?"

"It's nine in the morning, please don't speak until I have my latte."

Seungkwan promptly shuts his mouth with a pout, and Jihoon manages to crack the smallest of smiles when he hears the others laugh behind them.

Ordering and grabbing his coffee, he takes a seat beside Jeonghan and falls into a state of partial awareness, zoning in and out of the conversation and, occasionally, just shutting his eyes completely. It's still too early to function like a regular human being - give half an hour for the caffeine to hit him, and he won't be so dead.

Seungkwan, unfortunately, refuses to let that be a peaceful half hour.

"What's on the agenda for today, Mr. I Have An Important Job And Think I'm Better Than Everyone Else?" he asks.

"I don't think I'm better than everyone else," Jihoon deadpans. "I just think I'm better than you." That earns him a very half-hearted hit on the arm from Vernon, who's grinning despite the glare his boyfriend shoots him, and he continues.

"Uh, not much? I've got laundry I need to do, I gotta feed Joshua's cat, and there's this project coming up I really should get started on - "

"Holy shit, you really  _are_  boring."

Jihoon cuts off at the interruption, squinting his eyes in partial-offense at the boy across the table from him. He lets him blur into nothing more than a blob of color, blockish white standing out where that terribly bright grin is, and even through altered vision, Jihoon can make out the anxiety in it.

"Sorry, is this Seokmin or Seungkwan I'm speaking to?" 

"It's true, though. You seem so ... spiritless. We've noticed it, lately."

"Lately?"

Seokmin hums, "Mm-hmm. You weren't like that a few months ago."

Jihoon glances around the group, noticing how they all avert their eyes the second the words are spoken. He knows what they're insinuating, of course - and they're not entirely wrong. He'd sooner down a glass of Clorox than admit that, though.

But there isn't  _really_  anything wrong with him. He's readjusting, is all. Going back to the way things were before he ever met -

It doesn't matter. He's fine, he's been fine.

"I've just been getting more serious about work, is all. I've got a promotion with my name on it waiting to be delivered, and I can't afford to start slacking."

When they don't look convinced, he ruffles his hair and sighs, "I told you guys, I'm happy with the way things are. It might not seem like a great life to you, but I've got nothing to complain about."

It's explanation enough. They might not buy into it, but that's okay. What matters is that  _Jihoon_  does.

 

**—**

 

Stage two: feeding the damn cat.

Joshua had left a little less than a week ago to visit family in Los Angeles, and for a little less than a week now, Jihoon's been making daily visits to his apartment to ensure his cat's food and water bowl are full. "And, you can stick around to keep him company, if you want," he'd said. "Since, you know, he might get lonely. Only if you want to, though."

Jihoon most definitely does  _not_  want to do that.

It's not that he has a problem with cats, or pets in general, but Joshua's cat just happens to be an absolute  _bitch_  of a feline, with a particular hatred for Jihoon. Had it been completely up to him, he would not be the one taking care of the godforsaken thing; however, Joshua had sworn that he was the only one reliable enough for the job, insisting, "I can't trust any of the others. For all I know, they might forget and leave her for dead. But you're responsible, Jihoon. You wouldn't do that." And, well, Jihoon couldn't argue with that logic.

The walk to his friend's apartment is quiet and easy, but he feels sort of - odd? His train of thought had been circling back to Seokmin's words all afternoon, long after they'd split, carrying a strangely unpleasant and nagging feeling in its car. He'd tried distracting himself, making a mental checklist of all the things he needs to take care of for that project, but it was useless, nothing could get rid of it.

He's given up, now, letting the melancholy vines twine around his ribcage without making any effort to cut them off. He's probably just tired.

He just needs to stop overthinking things and get out of his own head. Focus on something else. Like that awful cat.

The second he unlocks the door, using the key Joshua gave him, it hisses. Propped up on a corner table like an ugly Halloween ornament, back arched, it eyes Jihoon as he sighs and tosses his bag against the wall.

"Come on, asshole," he mutters. "You're lucky I don't let you starve."

It's a less than ten-minute ordeal - put the right amount of food in the food bowl, fill the water bowl up completely, try not to get scratched in the process, and then  _leave_. It's the knock that throws him off routine.

Grumbling under his breath, he yanks on the handle and swings the door open, not even looking to see who it is before saying, "Joshua's out of town, whatever you want - "

But then his voice breaks midway through his sentence, and he pauses, and - 

" - Oh. Soonyoung."

"Ji-Jihoon ... ? What are you doing here?"

It's an innocent question, a reasonable one, but Jihoon crosses his arms over his chest and holds himself straighter anyway, immediately putting his guard up.

"I could ask you the same thing," he says.

"I, uh, live down the hall? You know that."

Fuck. He does know that.

Jihoon lets his arms fall limp at his sides, guilt heating his chest. He does know that. He  _knows_  that. He's been to that apartment at least a hundred times, passed Joshua's door  _every single time_. He knows that.

He must have forgotten. He's spent the last four months trying to round up every memory pertaining to Soonyoung, throwing them into bags and tying them up, leaving them for repression. He wouldn't be surprised if this is one thing that got caught with the rest of the garbage.

"Oh. Right. Sorry, I forgot."

"You forgot?"

"Yeah."

It's uncomfortably quiet. Like, neither of them wants to look at the other, but neither one can look  _away_ , and no one really knows what to say. Jihoon scrambles for something, anything, to fill the silence, but what does one say in this situation?

"You still haven't told me."

"Told you what?"

"What you're doing here - as in, Joshua's front door."

Soonyoung's brows furrow a bit, and Jihoon can see his fingers fiddling even from inside the pocket of his sweatshirt.

"I need sugar for my tea, and I'm out. I was going to ask Joshua if I could borrow some."

"You do that often?"

"I do a lot of things often, now."

And okay, alright, fine. That could mean literally anything, but there's a bite in his tone that makes Jihoon flare, a small spark going off and coming dangerously close to lighting his temper on fire. Soonyoung doesn't usually speak to him like that.

Usually, as in, he barely ever used to. They haven't actually spoken in a while.

"Okay, well. I don't know where he keeps his sugar. Sorry."

"You don't know, or you don't want to give me any?"

Jihoon splutters, "I-I'm sorry?"

Soonyoung shrugs, and for a second, Jihoon thinks he looks almost casual - but he knows better. He knows Soonyoung, and he can see the way his arms tense and his frown fixes itself into a forced grimace. It's not a look Jihoon is used to seeing on him, and clearly not one he's used to wearing.

"I don't know, Jihoon. You seem to love making things difficult for me, I don't see why you'd stop at sugar."

"What the hell are you on about? Stop trying to pick a fight and let it go, Soonyoung. I've got things I need to - "

"Why are  _you_  here?" he interrupts. "I answered when you asked, but you avoided  _my_  question. You're always avoiding me, always, I can never just get a straight answer out of - "

"I'm taking care of Josh's cat while he's away, okay? Jesus, what is with you? You're being weird."

Soonyoung's expression morphs into something less angry and more wary, maybe even a little embarrassed. "I'm not," he says, breathing deep.

"Yeah, you are. You're like ... resentful. Don't tell me you're still hung up on - on what happened?"

Soonyoung falls silent. Jihoon squeezes his eyes shut and pinches the bridge of his nose, exasperated.

"Soon, that was  _months_  ago. I thought we both moved on."

"How can you just -  _assume_  things like that? How can you know anything for sure when you decided to cut off all contact with me?" he says, growing more and more upset, and Jihoon's guilt burns hotter with every word.

"Maybe it was easy for you to wipe everything clean, but it's not like that for everyone, Jihoon. Some people - Some people have a harder time getting over the things that meant something to them."

His entire chest feels like a furnace, now. He needs to end this before either one of them gets too emotional.

"Well ... I'm sorry for making assumptions," he says, hardening his tone. "But it's in the past, Soonyoung, and you really need to forget it if you haven't already. It's the healthiest thing to do."

Soonyoung watches him a moment longer, lower lip trembling in a way that makes it hard for Jihoon to breathe. When he turns around to leave without so much as a word, the door closing between them, Jihoon allows himself one shaky breath before fishing his phone out of his pocket.

 

**—**

 

_joshua_ **_[2:03 pm]_ **

_what the fuck_ **_[2:03 pm]_ **

 

**_[2:05 pm]_ ** _jihoon i'm in another continent_

**_[2:05 pm]_ ** _what could i have possibly done to piss you off this time_

 

_you didn't tell me soonyoung lives on your floor_ **_[2:05 pm]_ **

 

**_[2:05 pm]_ ** _oh_

 

_yeah_ **_[2:05 pm]_ **

 

**_[2:06 pm]_ ** _i thought you knew that_

 

_well. it might've been something worth mentioning_ **_[2:06 pm]_ **

 

**_[2:06 pm]_ ** _sorry_

**_[2:08 pm]_ ** _did something happen ??_

 

_unfortunately_ **_[2:09 pm]_ **

 

**_[2:09 pm]_ ** _i won't ask_

 

_maybe that's for the best_ **_[2:09 pm]_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> playlist for this story is "echo whoa" on spotify !


	2. Chapter 2

♧

 

 **STAGE THREE COMES,** as do stages four, five, and however many more stages there are to Jihoon's bullshit structure of how his days should go - but he can't really go about them the way he usually does. He's too caught on something else.

It's not fair, he thinks, that he's spent so much time and energy forcing himself into the habit of following rules so as to distract himself from anything amiss in his life, and now  _one_  wrong encounter has managed to undo all of it. It just isn't fair.

"Hey, you alright?"

It's evening, now, and Jihoon's invited Seungcheol over for a gourmet meal of instant ramen and the last bit of Gatorade that's been sitting in his fridge, and the look the boy gives him once he's inside is enough to make Jihoon want to tear his own hair out.

He'd only invited him over for some company, something to ease the jittery feeling that had been following him since he left Joshua's apartment; Seungcheol always did have a way of being comforting at the best of times.

Now, however, all Jihoon sees is a tunnel with a sign that reads LECTURE AHEAD as he nears the opening. Fantastic, really.

"I'm fine," he mumbles, ambling over to his living room and letting himself fall against the couch. Seungcheol situates himself on the cushion beside him, turning his body toward Jihoon's and picking up his bowl like it's nothing, everything's normal, fine, they're just going to watch a movie like they've done a million times before, talk, and call it a night. Jihoon almost hopes.

"Joshua told me what happened."

But then he doesn't.

"Joshua doesn't really know what happened," Jihoon says, defensive.

"He knows you ran into Soonyoung. Something  _must_  have happened, and from the way you made it sound, it wasn't good."

Jihoon speaks with his mouth full, "Remind me, please, who gave Joshua the right to go sharing our private messages with anyone who's willing to listen?"

"Not  _anyone who's willing to listen_ ," Seungcheol corrects, "but just me. He figured I could talk to you about it."

"I know I'm no mastermind, but I don't think you should be revealing your strategy before you've actually gotten anything out of me."

His friend sighs and presses his back further into the cushion, settling his bowl carefully in his lap and looking at Jihoon through a tired, unamused gaze.

"Come on, Ji, what happened?"

He shrugs, "Nothing, honestly. He got a little upset, overreacted because I wouldn't give him the sugar he needed for his tea, and accused me of being heartless, essentially." Jihoon's vaguely aware of the fact that he may be exaggerating or skewing a few things - but that's how it felt, at the time.

"And what did you do?"

"Well, I told him he needs to stop being bitter and get over it. We're over, we've been over, no use dwelling on something that doesn't have a chance of resurfacing."

" ... And you're sure there's really no chance that it'll resurface?"

Jihoon gives his friend a pointed look, one that says,  _Stupid questions get stupid answers, Seungcheol. Don't ask._ Or, he hopes that's what it says. It might just come off as a weary plead to not talk about it anymore.

"So, what movie? I was thinking Spirited Away," he says instead, shoving food into his mouth and turning the TV on by way of avoiding any more interrogation.

He pretends to not notice the way Seungcheol looks at him throughout the film. It's an infectious worry, and Jihoon doesn't want to feel worried. Not right now.

 

**—**

 

The next time he sees Soonyoung, it throws him for a loop strong enough to give him whiplash - literally.

He's at the bakery, waiting for Mingyu to show up to work so he can have a croissant with his coffee. Could he order from any one of the other staff? Yes. But Mingyu gives him discounts, so. It's worth the wait.

That is, until a painfully familiar voice surfaces from behind him, offering a gentle, "Hey, Jihoon," and promptly causing him to turn around in his seat so fast he makes himself dizzy. Suddenly, with spotty vision and a hard pressure near his temples, he thinks sticking around to wait for that extra 5% off doesn't seem so worth it.

He manages to compose himself; speaks hoarsely, when he does.

"Uh, hey Soonyoung. What are you doing here?"

"Probably the same as you," the boy says, lifting his own coffee cup as proof. His demeanor is a lot lighter, Jihoon notes. Not so grey as it was the day before, albeit just as fidgety. "Mind if I sit?" he asks.

And what is he supposed to say - no?

"Sure," he nods, clearing his throat uncomfortably as Soonyoung moves to slip into the seat opposite him. They watch each other for a second or two - but no more. It's enough for Jihoon to get a good look at his ex-boyfriend, take in the face he's spent nearly the last few months avoiding.

He looks the same, really. A little worn out, maybe, but just as bright. He dyed his hair silver. He's still got that ghost of a laugh that always seems to linger on his lips, even when he isn't making an effort to smile, and his eyes are kind as ever. His nose twitches just the slightest, and Jihoon remembers how he used to laugh at the little quirk of his. "Like a bunny," he'd say, before blushing like crazy because Soonyoung's ensuing grin was too much for him to handle.

But he doesn't like thinking about that.

Soonyoung blinks, as if suddenly remembering why he asked to sit down in the first place, and he almost chokes in his haste to get the words out quickly.

"Oh, uh, I - I was going to say - um, sorry."

Jihoon decides to play dumb.

"For what?"

"For - For yesterday. That was - I mean, what I said was super out of line, and it wasn't fair on you. And, you know, it was a little embarrassing, on my part. I shouldn't have lost my cool like that."

Jihoon stares at him, fixated on his eyes. They dart here and there, but never drift from Jihoon's general space; they're warm and gentle and God, so  _different_  to the glare he'd seen yesterday, so  _familiar_  after four months without them. They're charming, they are, and Jihoon's jarred by the realization of just how much he's missed looking into them.

He should stop.

"It's okay," he murmurs, choosing to focus on the drink in front of him. "I get where you were coming from."

Soonyoung breathes, "Yeah. Thanks for understanding." He pauses, looking like there's still something he'd like to say -

"And, uh, I just wanted to let you know, I  _am_  over it. You were right when you said it's not healthy to dwell on it, I know that. It's just, I was so upset after everything, and seeing you for the first time in months just brought it all back and - yeah. That's all. But I've let go now, I promise I have."

"Right, right. Of course." Jihoon isn't sure why he's so disappointed to hear that.

He isn't given any time to think about it, though - hearing a bell tingle as someone enters the bakery, Jihoon turns his head like lightning to make eye contact with - wonderful -  _none other than Mingyu_. He just barely manages to hold back a string of swears.

Mingyu has the decency to avert his gaze and go straight to his spot behind the counter, pretending he hasn't seen anything; Jihoon knows he's going to face an onslaught of questions later on, but he'll appreciate the charade for now.

Soonyoung seems utterly clueless to the situation at hand. He probably is, Jihoon thinks.

"Is this, um, is that all you had to say?" he says, trying to keep his voice from wobbling. He's spoken to Soonyoung more in the last two days than he has in the total amount of time they've spent apart, and it's affecting him more than he'd really like to admit.

Soonyoung looks at him, seeming unsure. Jihoon wants to wipe that look off his face, replace it with a certainty that says they'll never speak again.

"Actually, Jihoon ... "

His mouth goes dry.

"Yeah?"

"Do you think - Do you think we could still be friends?"

So, so dry. He can barely speak. Soonyoung notices this, and he pales.

"I mean, I know it sounds stupid. Like really, really stupid - and I get that we're over, okay? This isn't some desperate attempt at - at - at whatever you might be thinking, I swear. It's just that you were my best friend first and when we broke up I was at  _least_  hoping we could maintain that, but ... "

He doesn't finish the sentence, his message is clear. He wasn't given the chance to even try.

"I just don't want you completely gone from my life," he finishes quietly, and Jihoon thinks he could choke on the emotion that surges through him.

He hates that he's feeling like this. He hates that after all those weeks spent numbing himself to any thoughts of Soonyoung, he's coming undone right before the boy himself. 

He hadn't anticipated this. He thought he could rip the band-aid off, fast enough he could barely feel the sting - and he did. He didn't think the wound would be reopened.

And now that it is, he thinks that maybe, just maybe, he  _has_  been missing Soonyoung.

" ... Yeah. We can - We can do that."

Soonyoung's lips turn up just the slightest, Jihoon suddenly remembers that it's very, very hard to breathe when he smiles like that.

 

**—**

 

"What was  _that_  about?"

Jihoon had been wrong to hope that he could go up to the counter and order his coffee from Mingyu without question. Soonyoung had left for work, and maybe Jihoon had unblocked his number. Maybe he wavered when he did so - this was, after all, him pulling a brick out of the tower he'd so carefully built, the one tall enough to hide Soonyoung's face entirely. It's leveled a bit, revealing a bit.

Now, he's got to deal with the beginning of the aftermath.

"Nothing," he mutters, hovering above the counter while he waits for his latte. "Just, he saw me and came over to talk, is all."

"About what?"

Jihoon shrugs. He tries to be casual about it, he really does - Mingyu is a good friend, and the last thing he wants is to start keeping secrets, but he does  _not_  want to make it into a big deal. Once he starts treating it as such - well, that's when it really is. He doesn't want this to be significant. He doesn't want it to mean as much as he knows it probably does.

"I mean, he said ... he said he wants to be friends again."

Mingyu doesn't entirely react, continuing on so relaxed Jihoon's not sure he was even heard - until he notices the boy's lips, pressed thin and accompanied by high brows.

"He's bringing this up now, after nearly five months?" he asks, skeptical.

"I, uh, well I didn't exactly give him the opportunity to say anything sooner. I blocked him on everything as soon as we ... yeah."

"Ah, of course you did."

They both fall silent, then, and maybe it's for the best.

Talking about it gives him a worse headache than he already has.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i forgot to mention - this has also been cross-posted to wattpad under the username @ kwanies ! <3


	3. Chapter 3

♧

 

 **JIHOON WAS NEVER** hung up on Soonyoung, he'd like to get that much straight.

He mourned the loss of their love for a week or two. He cried some. Alright, fine.

But he was the one who decided to wrap himself in ribbon and hold the pieces together; he was the one who told himself to wipe Soonyoung from his mind and heart and  _move on_. It was the healthiest thing to do - and it worked.

Leave it to Soonyoung himself to go and fuck things up again.

"Did it really work, though?" Jeonghan chews his lower lip, and his words fumble past the anxiety of his question. "You say you're fine, Jihoon, that you're over it, but ... you've always seemed a little off."

"You're probably imagining it," he shrugs. "I had to quit the wallowing before it got pathetic, and I started feeling fine a lot sooner than you might expect."

"You miss him, I think."

"I don't really think about him."

Jihoon is blank-faced and toneless, imagining himself a void and throwing any potential emotion into it, where it can't be recovered for the time being. He knows he's only being partly truthful.

He hasn't thought of Soonyoung very often, hasn't let himself; when Soonyoung toes the edge of his consciousness, it's practically reflex for him to shove the boy and all memories regarding him back to the recesses of his mind.

Still, something's always been  _there_. Maybe not Soonyoung, but Soonyoung's shadow. Standing against a white wall when he's dreaming, or when one of his friends makes a risky comment. He might not have fully realized its presence, but he's felt it, ever-so-unsettling. He'll usually do his best to brush it off and ignore whatever it is, chalk it up to lack of sleep.

He's done a pretty good job at tricking himself, he thinks, playing his own mirage.

Jeonghan is gentle in the things he says and does, and he's truthful to no fault - only to the point of necessity - but right now he deems it necessary to tell Jihoon that he's not, in fact, fooling anyone.

"That's ... That's bullshit."

Jihoon bristles.

"No, it's not."

"Uh, yes? Yes, it is. And now you're going back to him - "

"That is absolutely  _not_  what's happening," he interrupts, speaking a little too loudly. "He said he wants to be friends again, and I - and I - "

"You want to be friends too?"

"No, no! It was never my idea, never something I'd even considered, but he - but he looked like it would really mean something to him, and I felt ... bad."

"You pitied him?"

"No I - I panicked, okay? What the hell was I supposed to say?"

Jeonghan shrugs and makes a noise, almost accusing. Jihoon gets it.

He could have said no.

The act of being kind and polite for the sake of someone else's feelings has not always been a great priority of his - he could have said no, he could have said he didn't want to be friends, he could have told Soonyoung  _he wants nothing to do with him anymore_. He really could have.

But he didn't. Something told him not to.

"He just wants to be friends again," he says quietly. "Like we were at the very beginning."

"You two always liked each other, even then."

Jihoon doesn't respond to that, not really knowing how, and twists in his seat uncomfortably. Jeonghan takes the silence as an opportunity to continue.

"Okay, well, what do you  _want_ , Jihoon? Does friendship sound nice, or do you want to get back together - ?"

"No, no," Jihoon says, swallowing past the dryness in his throat. "I don't - I don't  _know_  what I want, but we can't get back together. We broke up for a reason, you know, and I can't - I won't make the same mistake twice ... "

_I'll only end up getting hurt again._

"Besides," he says instead, "Soonyoung's over it."

 

**—**

 

It comes two weeks later, just when Jihoon had begun hoping he'd imagined the whole thing. A clear, ringing reminder that this is not, in fact, a bad dream. As much as he wants it to be.

 

_**[8:02 pm]**  hi_

 

_hey **[8:04 pm]**_

 

_**[8:04 pm]** i'm in the area_ **  
**

_**[8:04 pm]** do you wanna get coffee with me?_

 

_it's like 8 in the evening soonyoung **[8:05 pm]**_

 

_**[8:05 pm]** tea, then?_ **  
**

 

Jihoon holds his breath and thinks it over, weighs his options. He doesn't have to - he really  _shouldn't_ , as a matter of fact. If there's one thing he's learned since the two of them split, it's that thinking of Soonyoung, when Soonyoung is not his to think about, is an entire world of hurt in itself.

But part of him wants to, strangely enough. Call it curiosity.

 

_sure **[8:07 pm]**_

 

_**[8:08 pm]** where we usually go?_ **  
**

_**[8:08 pm]** or went  
_

 

Jihoon senses a bit of malice in that last text - or maybe he's imagining it? - but it spreads a cold sort of feeling through him that Soonyoung  _really_  has no business being responsible for.

But still.

 

_yeah okay **[8:09 pm]**_

_i'll be there in 10 **[8:09 pm]**_

 

**—**

 

Jihoon spots him the second he walks through the door, sitting alone in one corner with a mug held between both palms. He looks ridiculously small, curled up in his seat and bent over his phone, way-too-big sweater hanging off him.

And then he looks up, glancing around the room, and he sees Jihoon, too.

The latter's heart lodges itself in his throat when Soonyoung smiles then, like a fucking holiday, all warm and comforting - which is absurd, because given their situation, warm and comforted are the  _last_  things Jihoon should feel when he sees him.

"Hey," he says, sliding into the seat opposite Soonyoung. "What's up?"

Jihoon half expects the entirety of this - whatever  _this_ is - to be horribly uncomfortable, but it isn't, not really. Soonyoung launches into a recount of his entire day like it's nothing, and Jihoon would almost think he's dreaming. It's like everything between them has vanished, Soonyoung brushing it all under the carpet in one swift, unspoken motion, and Jihoon's almost impressed.

He also might be a little hurt.

"I was gonna have a hand at making myself dinner tonight, since I'm pretty sure Junhui would smack me if he found out I ate takeout for the fourth night in a row, but my fridge was completely empty except for half a bottle of champagne and a few slices of cheese so I had to go grocery shopping - " he blathers, and Jihoon tries his best to not look so bewildered.

" - but then I was here, right, on my way to the store, and I saw this café and I figured I might as well get myself something from here? Like, I'm not really in the mood to cook - even if I was, I don't know  _how_  - and I'm not hungry for a full course meal anyway, and it's not takeout, so - "

"Soonyoung, you're rambling," Jihoon interrupts. He keeps his voice level, and it's pretty sturdy in comparison to the other boy's weak response, two syllables wobbling on rocks:

"So-Sorry?"

"It's nothing, just ... are you nervous?"

"What?"

"You do that when you're nervous. Ramble, I mean. I don't get what for, though."

And that's sort of a lie. Jihoon knows why he'd be nervous - fuck,  _he_  feels nervous - but it just doesn't feel right to see it. He's seen Soonyoung at his highest highs and his lowest lows, when he's been on the brink of crying over stress or ready to break down at the slightest inconvenience, because it gets like that sometimes - but to see Soonyoung get fidgety and restless over something like tea with Jihoon ... it's almost worth laughing at.

"It's just you," he says, honest, and Jihoon's eyes snap up to search his.

"Me?"

"Yeah. I'm sort of - I'm worried that if I'm not careful ... hold on," he takes a moment to gather his thoughts, only a second, squeezing his eyes shut and exhaling before starting again.

"I'm worried that if I say the wrong thing again, I'll upset you and I - I'm finally here, Jihoon, back at square one with the whole  _friendship_  thing, and I don't wanna screw that up ... chase you off or something."

Jihoon can tell this means something to him, it means a lot, and he feels a sudden pang of guilt at the realization that this is something he's wanted for a  _long time_ , maybe even since the week they split. To maintain at least some semblance of a relationship, even if it is platonic.

Jihoon didn't let that happen. Over four months apart and not so much as a text passed between the two.

Jihoon did that out of fear, and it was completely selfish - but in a situation like this, shouldn't one put their own feelings first? Put your own oxygen mask on first before helping someone else, or something like that.

Only, he never planned on helping anyone else.

"You won't," he says, his tone holding some sense of finality. He can't tell if he's saying it more to reassure Soonyoung or himself. "We've both moved on, no more messy feelings. Nothing to risk ruining this for either of us."

Soonyoung is quiet, speaking barely above his own breath when he says, "You think so?"

Jihoon nods, resolute. They've both moved on. No more messy feelings.

He thinks so.

 

**—**

 

"This isn't going to end well," Minghao says. He's not looking at Jihoon - rather, his eyes peer through wiry glasses to focus on the English lit essay he's been working on for the last two hours. Jihoon had relayed the scenario to his friend, trying not to be bothered at how clearly disinterested he is.

"Thanks, that's the most input you've given me since I started talking, and it's not even encouraging."

"Sorry," he sighs, sitting back and rubbing his eyes, not sounding sorry in the slightest. "I'm just distracted - this goddamn essay is worth a big chunk of my final grade. But yeah, no, I hear you. And I'm saying that this isn't going to end well."

"What makes you say that?"

"Uh, maybe the fact that you still have major fucking feelings for the guy? Christ, this isn't rocket science."

"Rocket science and relationships are basically the same things to Jihoon," Chan laughs from across the room. He'd been lounging on Minghao's couch for the past hour, quietly flicking through the different TV channels. Jihoon had almost forgotten he was even there.

"Okay, first of all, fuck you. Second - I do  _not_. What have I done to give the impression that - "

"You think you're so subtle," Minghao says, smile dressed in mock pity.

"He's not," Chan interjects, "he's just stupid. Everyone else sees it but him."

Jihoon glares, prickling from the heat that crawls over his skin. "You know," he says, " _everyone else_  has had the decency to beat around the bush and spare me my dignity - why do  _you_  two have to be assholes about it?"

Minghao shrugs, "We're being more honest than anything, and I think that's what you need. It's better you figure it out now before it ends up biting you in the ass later on."

"Well, as much as I appreciate the sentiment," he huffs, "it's terribly misplaced. I don't still have feelings for Soonyoung, alright? And even if I did - I broke up with him for a reason! I could miss him like crazy and still be head over heels and all that bullshit, but it doesn't change the fact that something was  _wrong_  with our relationship. We didn't work well together."

That quiets them. Jihoon doesn't miss the look that passes between the two, like a current through the air, one that says a lot but nothing he can understand.

They have to know he's right.

Jihoon left Soonyoung. It wasn't mutual, it wasn't the other way around - he recognized the issues between them and put a stop to it because he  _knew_  that as much as it hurt then, it would only hurt more the longer he let it go. He made the right decision, he did the right thing for both of them. He's told himself that a million times. He has to believe it.

Slowly, with an uncanny lack of snark, Chan says, "What did you guys break up over, anyway?"

Jihoon breathes. There's a feeling there, lodged between his ribcage and poking into his heart painfully. It's sort of stinging, but dull at the same time. It reaches up to his throat and makes it hard to speak without choking.

"We ... We just weren't trying anymore. We were constantly apart, him in the studio late at night and me working all day, and we weren't talking as much ... I don't really know how it happened, but everything went blank. Like our relationship flatlined, and there was nothing left to it, and it didn't seem like anything was going to change, and I - I was sick of having to deal with it, so ... I left."

"Just like that?" Chan asks, wide-eyed. "You didn't try to talk it out or anything?"

"We tried - no,  _I_  tried, and every time I did he would shut me down and insist nothing was wrong. We were both unhappy and either unable or unwilling to do anything, so I ... I mean, it was the only thing I could do, at that point.

Jihoon doesn't mention how he'd grown worryingly insecure during this time - how he was  _so_  sure Soonyoung was falling out of love with him, maybe even seeing someone else, and how the thought alone was enough to make everything so much darker than it already felt.

Ultimately, it was that which pushed him to make the final call on their relationship.

"Soonyoung obviously wasn't too happy with that," Minghao mumbles, and he's right. Soonyoung was wrecked when Jihoon brought up the prospect of taking some time apart.

He tried his best to make it up, made a whole lot of hollow promises, but it was useless. Jihoon was hurt, and he didn't want to risk making things worse. He had his mind made up. That was it. 

That had to be it.


	4. Chapter 4

♧

 

**THIS ISN'T IT.**

Soonyoung's got this stupid effect on him, it's really terrible. Like biting down on metal or pinching a nerve. Like  _not good_.

And it's sort of Soonyoung, but at the same time it sort of isn't; he's wonderful and kind and gentle, he's everything he's always been, but he's got all this fog tied to him that makes it  _so_  hard for Jihoon to really feel comfortable around him the way he seems comfortable around Jihoon. The latter can't quite see past it.

They've hung out maybe three more times since that night at the cafe - the night on which they both silently agreed to not bring up the past and tried their best to act normally under the circumstances - and all three times the contact was initiated by Soonyoung, the conversation carried by Soonyoung, the laughter and smiles and joking all coming from Soonyoung - because Jihoon's always been scarily nervous to contribute.

He's affected so much more than the other boy, which only makes it so much  _worse_.

Because Soonyoung's moved on, at least enough to be unbothered by the prospect of being friends again, but something's got Jihoon's stomach twisting. Something's telling him he's not as  _over their relationship_  as he thought he was, and the thought of Soonyoung being the opposite makes him kind of queasy, to be honest.

Either way, this isn't it. They're friends now. Again. Something Jihoon hadn't expected to happen after they broke up, but - well, here they are.

They talk about daily things, normal things; the type of things that are big enough to mean something, but not so significant as to invoke any dangerous emotion. Which, Jihoon has decided, is what emotion really is in most cases - dangerous.

"You got that promotion? Gosh, Jihoonie, that's great. I'm really happy for you."

"Yeah, I mean. I've really thrown myself into my work lately. I guess it finally paid off."

"You've always been like that," Soonyoung beams. "It's admirable." He pauses, though, his expression morphing into something a little more pinched with worry - "You are taking care of yourself though, aren't you? I know you tend to overwork yourself, and you forget to eat properly and sleep, and - when's the last time you did laundry? You haven't been forgetting to - ?"

"Relax," Jihoon interrupts, flustered for  _God knows_  what reason. "I'm fine, sort of. I'm still shit at being an adult - but the others ... I mean, you don't think Jeonghan's really gonna let me rot away in my apartment, do you?"

"Ah, right," Soonyoung says, laughing a little. "Sometimes I forget that - that - "  _that there are other people to take care of you_ , Jihoon thinks when Soonyoung can't seem to say it himself. The latter cuts himself off and starts a new sentence, scratching the back of his neck and giggling like air, nervous, "Jeonghan is a bit of a mom, isn't he?"

"Always has been."

"Where would we be without him?"

"I don't know about you, but I'd  _definitely_  be dead by now. Or hospitalized. Or living in my parents' basement."

"He's done a lot for us," Soonyoung says, resting his chin in his palm, and he speaks softly this time. "They all have," uttered in a breath. It takes Jihoon a moment to understand.

Oh.  _Oh_.

Quiet, quiet, stretched out silence, because neither one of them knows how to follow up on that. Jihoon can't call him out for breaking the unspoken rule - technically, Soonyoung didn't bring up their relationship, not explicitly; he just stated a fact.

Their friends  _have_  done a lot for them. They're sort of the reason him and Soonyoung even started dating.

Because Jihoon and Soonyoung have always, in fact, been idiots, and for as long as they'd been best friends, neither one was good at realizing or dealing with their mutual feelings - in the end, all it took was the genius idea to get Soonyoung crazy inebriated, as his already weak filter completely crumbles under the influence of alcohol, for something to happen.

A big move, a sloppy confession that left Jihoon in a puddle of heart and feelings, all courtesy of their friends.

They were assholes about it, for sure. Notable lines include, "Thank fucking God, we were so sick of you two being grossly in love and not realizing it," "It's about time you dumbasses got together," and "I'm happy for you guys, but if you start making out when we're all hanging out together, I  _will_  puke." Just about as embarrassing and obnoxious as they could be over the matter.

Still, Jihoon always held a silent thanks for them. He and Soonyoung both know, all too well, that they would've gotten nowhere relying on themselves, and Jihoon never liked the thought.

At least, that's how he felt five months ago.

Now, he thinks it would have been quite nice to just continue their friendship the way it was; they could have kept it pristine, avoided all the shattered glass and ensuing injuries. They could have been alright just the way they were.

"Jihoon?" Soonyoung starts after the hush between them draws out for too long.

"Yeah?"

"I know you don't want to talk about it - "

_Fuck._

" - but I gotta ask - "

_Please don't._

" - do you regret it?"

And then, a suffocating stillness. Jihoon, for once in his life, can't stand to be honest.

Soonyoung picks up on this and visibly wilts, picking at a loose thread on his sleeve and mumbling so that Jihoon has to strain his ears to make out the words. He kind of wishes he didn't, though, or that he could just not hear at all.

"I don't," he says. "What happened sucked, it sucked really fucking bad - but I wouldn't take it back for the world, you know? Because loving you, Jihoon, and being with you, it was - it was quite honestly the best thing that had ever happened to me, and I'm glad I got to experience it for even a little while." He inhales deep, tries to keep the wobble out of his voice, to no avail, because Jihoon can still make it out -

"And I'm sorry if you don't feel the same. But it's the truth."

And there it is. Something Jihoon's too scared to admit to himself, let alone say out loud.

"It's all in the past," Jihoon says, cringing at himself because he  _knows_  he's said it too often, with no real meaning held to it. "We're friends again, we're going back to normal, and maybe - maybe someday it won't be such a touchy subject."

Soonyoung exhales in a small, soft laugh, saying, "Maybe someday we'll be able to joke about it."

"Someday, it won't hurt so bad."

A momentary pause, just enough for Jihoon to feel his heart slam itself against his ribcage -

He said too much, didn't he?

"Does it still hurt, Jihoon?"

He ignores the question.

"Someday," he repeats, "it'll feel like nothing. We're just working our way towards that."

Soonyoung nods. Jihoon's chest feels tight.

He's not sure how much he wants to believe that.

 

**—**

 

  
Jihoon loves hisfriends - really, he does.

Except for right now. And most of the time.

Actually, he might just hate his friends.

"Remind me, why do I still talk to you guys?" he sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. Chan supplies him with a barking laugh, teasing.

"Because who else would you talk to? We've all you got."

"Unfortunate."

He can't keep a damn thing to himself, he can't. They're all prying, all nosy and invasive.  _We're your best friends_ , they say,  _you have to tell us everything_. No. Fuck that. That's a terrible idea, and he said as much.

They forced it out of him, anyway. He hates himself for being weak.

They weren't very much help - most of their collective response consisted of Chan, Mingyu, and Wonwoo laughing at his misery, Jeonghan clicking his tongue as if he's  _really_  any better than the rest of them, and Seungcheol, bless him, trying to give decent advice (despite having no clue how to handle the situation).

"Just be glad Seungkwan isn't here," Joshua yawns, still jet-lagged and looking as uninterested as someone possibly could. "You know how much he loves to make your life a living hell."

"Uh," Vernon interjects before the other boy can say too much more, setting his phone down on the table, "he'll actually be here in like, two seconds."

As if on cue, the bell signaling another customer's entrance tingles, and Jihoon instinctively lowers his head into his hands and groans as Seungkwan's voice rings throughout the cafe, drawing the attention of at least four other people -

"Hello, friends! And good morning to you, in particular, you dumb piece of shit," he adds, ruffling Jihoon's hair as he passes by to sit beside Vernon.

"You're a douche," Jihoon says, his words coming out muffled behind his hands, "picking on me in a time of weakness."

The boy scoffs, "You're actually stupid, you know that? Like, I'm questioning Soonyoung's sanity right now."

"Consider death, Seungkwan."

"When I live to torment you?" he gasps dramatically, holding a hand to his chest. "I could never."

There's a lull in the chatter then, as Jihoon moves his hands to rub his temples and squeezes his eyes shut. This is too much. He's overwhelmed. If God is real, and if Jihoon has done a single good thing in his life, Seungkwan will lose his voice within the next five seconds.

"I've got to give the kid credit, though," he starts again, and Jihoon holds back the urge to scream - God is not real, good karma is  _not_  on his side - "for wanting to bring back your relationship. After all the shit you gave him, I'm surprised he had the heart to try."

"Don't guilt-trip me, please, I beg - and he's not trying to bring back our relationship."

"Uh, 'relationship' could mean anything, it doesn't  _have_ to be romantic - but if that's what your mind went to - "

"Don't be a smartass, Seungkwan, it doesn't suit you."

"Okay, okay, I'm just saying," he shrugs, "maybe there's more to it."

Jihoon's not stupid. He knows what Seungkwan's insinuating, and he doesn't buy a word of it.

And why would he? Soonyoung's made it very clear he's happy with going back to  _just_  friends - and Jihoon's done the same, he's done it honestly. Really, he has.

"Don't tell me you actually think friendship is going to work," Seokmin says, quirking an unbothered brow to match the glare Jihoon shoots him. "You guys can't go back to being friends after all this, you just can't. This whole thing is just one overly-complicated attempt at getting back together."

"Like hell, it is," Jihoon grumbles. "I said it already, I don't know why you guys can't seem to understand - the  _last_  thing I want is to get back with Soonyoung. I didn't break up with him on a whim, okay, something was off with our relationship and it wasn't working."

They have to get this; those who don't learn from history are bound to repeat it.

Jihoon doesn't want a repeat of what happened.

He watches his friends, eyes dragging over each individual sat around the table; they all mirror each other, in some way, looking disappointed or exhausted or fed up - or all three. Just like that, Jihoon doesn't have the energy to be snappy anymore.

"What happened was really shitty," he sighs, rubbing his eyes. "It took a toll on both of us. If he wants to be friends again, then - then fine, alright? I can work with that. Getting back together, though, that would be  _asking_  to get hurt all over again. I can't ... do that."

They drop the conversation, then, and Jihoon's relieved. It's a lot more difficult to talk about than he thinks it should be.

Then again, most things relating to Soonyoung are more difficult than they should be.

Way, way more difficult.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi there !! just quickly i'd like to mention - i've finished writing this entire thing ! it ends at about 9 (sort of) chapters, and now that i've got it all done updates will be more regular. i'm thinking one update each night for the next 5 nights? 
> 
> besides that, i hope you all are enjoying this ! <3


	5. Chapter 5

♧  
  
  
  


 **JIHOON CAN'T REALLY** say what it is he was expecting to happen on this seemingly-average Thursday night - maybe he would finish up that project, get started on the book he bought just the other day, who knows - but  _this_  was definitely not it.

"Are you busy?" Soonyoung asks, voice carrying, breathless, down the line.

"Maybe."

"Please don't be."

Soonyoung had called three times already; the first two times, Jihoon had let his phone ring and ring until it stopped, but by the third, he'd begun to worry. He picked up, and concern had nestled itself well in his stomach when Soonyoung's tone came out all wiry and nervous.

"Are you okay? Is everything alright?"

"No, it's not."

"What's wrong?"

It's quiet for so long, Jihoon can feel a familiar panic prickling at his skin, almost burning. He's about to ask again, try to get the boy to say  _anything_  so long as it's audible, but he doesn't have to.

Soonyong speaks in something close to a whisper, saying, "Can you come over? I promise it's not as bad as I'm making it sound, it's just - I'm just not doing really great right now, and I'd really like it if you were here."

Jihoon feels it. A rock, weighing heavy and guilty in place of his heart when he responds.

"Soon, we can't do this."

"I'm not trying to get at something," he promises quietly. "Just ... please."

Jihoon feels like he's just swallowed an entire jar of honey, coating his throat in something thick and sickening, dripping heavy into the pit of his stomach. He's worried, of course he is, but he's not sure this is such a good idea.

Then again, the worst can only happen if he lets it.

"I'll be there in ten."  
  
  


**—**   
  
  
  


"What is it?" he says, not even two seconds after Soonyoung answers the door. He flinches at the question.

"Please don't be mad ... "

"Oh my God, don't tell me you called me all the way here for nothing."

"No, no, but it's - it's really dumb. Like,  _really_  dumb." Jihoon sighs.

"Out with it."

The boy in front of him smiles strangely - and it's not a smile, really, more just his lips twitching abruptly into a nervous sort of grimace - and Jihoon catches his fingers fiddling with each other behind his back as he steps aside to let him in.

"Okay, so. God, please don't hate me - "

"For Christ's sake, Soonyoung, just tell me. I won't hate you."

"Promise?"

Jihoon sighs again, resisting the urge to roll his eyes as he moves further into Soonyoung's apartment. "I promise," he says.

"Right, well, I was watching - I was watching, you know - "and he gestures -  _gestures_  is a really soft word, actually, what he does is more jerking - with his arm to the TV in his living room, and Jihoon's eyes follow the motion to find a familiar sight on screen.

It's  _Gilmore Girls_ , which surprises him into a hush, because Jihoon hasn't watched the show in months, not since he and Soonyoung broke up, and he sort of assumed the other had stopped watching it, too - but the hush is broken as soon as it's formed when he can't help the giggling that rises from his throat, pushing its way out like a hoard of bubbles, and he can't stop it, not even when Soonyoung's cheeks tinge bright pink and his arm falls limply to his side.

"What's funny?" he asks, almost pouting.

"Nothing, nothing," Jihoon says, trying his hardest to force away his smile. "Did you ... Did you call me here over an episode of  _Gilmore Girls_? Do you still watch this show?"

"N-No - Well, I mean, yes. Sort of. Wait, let me explain - "

He rushes over to grab the remote and rewinds a bit, unpausing when he's got it where he wants it, and Jihoon's feels the continuing urge to laugh melt away when he recognizes the episode. Suddenly, it's not so funny anymore.

Lorelai Gilmore's voice fills the room, striking Jihoon as a lot louder than it probably really is, as she sniffs and tries to get through her phone call without breaking down into sobs. She and Luke had just broken up, she was a mess - Jihoon remembers it really well, because Soonyoung made him rewatch it about five times with him, and cried every single time.

"You remember it, right?" Soonyoung says, voice thick with something Jihoon can't quite figure out as he interrupts Lorelai's pleading for Luke to visit her, if only to talk,  _because she's not doing really great right now._ Jihoon nods dumbly.

"Remember how I would always get upset when we watched this? Because, like, how fucking unfair was this?" He laughs, but the sound of it gets mixed in with a sob, and it turns all shaky; turns Jihoon's throat all tight and makes it hard for him to breathe.

"They made us wait all that time for Luke and Lorelai to get together," Soonyoung continues, "just to fucking break them up and - and it was awful, Jihoon, you saw how torn up I was - but then they did  _this_  and - and I still can't watch this without crying, you know, I've watched this episode so many times with you and you always made sure to comfort me so well, but this is the first time I've seen it in - in I don't even _know_  how long and you weren't here and, and I think this is the hardest I've ever cried?" His mouth presses into a thin line, eyes red and watery and even with ten feet between them, Jihoon can see everything unraveling inside him. His heart's coming apart at the seams, maybe not for the first time.  _Surely_  not for the first time.

"This is definitely the hardest I've ever cried at Lorelai's phone call," he breathes, swiping at his nose, "and I'm not so sure that it has everything to do with the show itself."

 _I'm not so sure that it has everything to do with the show itself_.

Jihoon doesn't want to think about what that might imply, because he thinks he might know the answer, and he thinks that, for whatever reason, it can't be a good one - so he ignores it.

Refusing to meet Soonyoung's eyes, he says, "It turned out okay, though. Remember? They got back together. We watched that episode, we watched it even more than this one."

Jihoon was never that much of a  _Gilmore Girls_  fan - random white people crying about high school relationships and Ivy League trust funds never really piqued his interest - but Soonyoung  _loved_  the show. He didn't force Jihoon to watch all seven seasons four times over, but Jihoon did it anyway, for no reason other than to keep his boyfriend company and have something to talk about. Also, Soonyoung is really cute when he gets excited about the things he likes - but that's beside the point.

The point being, Jihoon knows the series inside out. He knows how it ends, he knows it all ties together in one happy, shiny ending; he knows that for all the times Soonyoung cried during their marathons, he laughed twice as much and found it in him to always remember  _that_  - the happy, shiny ending.

When he doesn't respond, Jihoon says as much. Soonyoung's voice is hoarse when he speaks.

"It doesn't always work that way, though. What if they didn't get back together, Jihoon? What if that phone call was for nothing? What if - What if things got bad, and they stayed bad?"

"But they didn't," he insists. Soonyoung is bitter in his response, frowning.

"Sometimes, they do. Sometimes you think there's a chance that something might get better, and then you realize it won't, and the next thing you know you're rewatching fucking  _Gilmore Girls_  for the first time in five months and  _bawling_  because it's also the first time you've ever related to something that's happening on-screen."

"Soonyoung."

"You promised not to hate me after this, you promised - "

"I don't hate you, I can't - " he exhales, dragging a hand over his face and shaking his head - "I can't hate you, Soon. I can try, but it won't happen."

Soonyoung falls silent, finally done with his rambling, and Jihoon musters all the strength he can to look him directly in the eyes when he speaks again, words coming out like steel.

"Listen to me, okay? Don't interrupt, just listen." He pauses, thinking over what he's about to say.

"We're done, Soonyoung. Youtold me that. You said you were over it. We are not Lorelai and Luke, alright? One phone call isn't going to fix anything, nothing's going to change, we - we're not together anymore. That's it."

Jihoon can see Soonyoung's eyes flicker, confused. He hears the boy's breath hitch.

"That's it?" he whispers. Jihoon nods.

"And that doesn't mean things are  _staying bad_ , it just means we need to get past all the bad. Eventually, we will. We've been through this, Soon. At this point, we're both repeating ourselves."

"How can you just - How is this so easy for you ... ?"

"It's  _not_  easy, my God, I wish it was. I know you think that this whole thing has been a breeze for me, because I'm the one who initiated it, but you have to know that I didn't break up with you because I thought it would make my life better - I broke up with you because I knew that, in the long run, it would prove to be the right move. Dragging it out would've only left a scar. At least now ... now we can both heal.

"You said you wanted to be friends again, and I know you meant that. Tonight is just a - a vulnerable hurdle, and tomorrow you'll have passed it."

"A vulnerable hurdle," Soonyoung echoes. "I seem to run into a lot of those."

It's quiet again, and when Jihoon glances around the room, everything seems washed in beige and melancholy. Soonyoung's call seems light years away, like a distant memory to where they are now, standing on different sides of the room. Jihoon thinks about everything he's just said. Thinks about how wrong it felt to have said it.

But that's just it, isn't it? Everything he knows is right feels wrong, because he doesn't want what's right. He wants Soonyoung, he's wanted Soonyoung since the day he let go of him, and only now is he willing to own up to that.

Oh, well. He'll just have to follow his own advice. Tie a rope around his heart and pull it tight, until it can't beat anymore, and he won't have to feel a thing; until it's safe to let go and trust that his feelings won't go running down the wrong path again.

It's what he  _has_  to do, because doing anything else will only, inevitably, end up hurting both of them a second time, with twice as much sting.

They put on a good show, he thinks, it was a commendable melodrama - but the lights have to go down at some point, and once those curtains close, there's no opening them again. No one's asking for an encore. Let it end where it needs to.

Fucking  _Gilmore Girls_. Fuck that show.  
  
  


**—**   
  
  
  


"So, what happened after that?"

"Told him to get some sleep."

"That's it?"

"Yeah."

Seungcheol watches him, and Jihoon faces the unsettling feeling of being analyzed. He crosses his arms over his chest and averts his gaze on instinct, but it doesn't do anything to buffer the force of his friend's ensuing question.

"Have you ever considered that, I don't know, maybe getting back together with Soonyoung  _wouldn't_  mean going for another round of heartbreak? Like, what if you did things right the second time?"

That would be nice, Jihoon thinks, if only he could put a little faith into the concept.

He's not so sure he can.


	6. Chapter 6

  
♧

 

 **EMOTIONAL HURDLE** : overcome. Hopefully.

They don't bring it up, after that, and Jihoon thinks he's doing a good job of getting himself to believe that it really  _was_  just a night for messy feelings with no real substance. Messy feelings with no real substance and nothing, nothing to get caught up on.

As long as he can believe that, he'll be fine.

It's not just the two of them, this time. In fact, it's the first time they've all hung out as a group, the entirety of them, in a while; it's the first time the others haven't had to skirt around the mess that was - or still is - Jihoon and Soonyoung's failed relationship.

And God, it's really nice.

Jihoon finds he's been missing a lot since the breakup - and this is one thing he's been missing especially. The comfort of being surrounded by all his best friends, even if they are annoying headasses ninety percent of the time, and being able to simply melt in with the rest of the atmosphere; warm, sort of.

He and Soonyoung sit on opposite sides of the table, and Jihoon is endlessly grateful for the fact that none of their friends are making this uncomfortable. No one points out the situation. No one cracks a joke about it. It's how they used to be, and maybe Jihoon can get used to the concept of  _friends again_.

Or maybe not.

Soonyoung looks so pretty, he makes it kind of hard to decide, and Jihoon can't even be completely mad at himself for thinking so because he's too distracted.

Anyways.

They make jokes and laugh; Seungkwan is telling a story about something stupid Vernon did the other day ("He just, like, let the cat eat the mouse, on our fucking carpet." "What was I supposed to do?" "Get rid of the mouse! What else would you do! If I catch some sort of rat disease I'm blaming you, I hope you know that.") and Jihoon, for once, allows himself to laugh. He lets his smile tug across his face and feels the way his cheeks bunch beneath his eyes, and it feels sort of weird, like stretching a muscle you haven't used in a while. Seungcheol gasps over his own laughter, leaning far against Jihoon and practically crying into his shoulder, and the latter lets the tension melt from his body when he wraps an arm around his friend and doubles over the table in giggles.

He doesn't notice the small frown worrying Soonyoung's face; doesn't take into account how quiet he's being.

It's only later when Jihoon notices something's off -  _again_.

It's on the walk back to Soonyoung's place, because they'd agreed to hang out a little longer and watch the shittiest movies they could find on Netflix, that Soonyoung brings it up; something so unexpected that it makes Jihoon choke on his own saliva when he inhales too quick.

"So ... What's up with you and Seungcheol?"

He coughs past the sting in his throat, saying, "What?"

"I mean, if you don't wanna tell me, that's fine. I just noticed ... I dunno. You two were being touchy."

"Um, okay? I get that I'm not the most naturally affectionate person, but he's one of my closest friends, so I don't think it's that weird."

Soonyoung shrugs, and his demeanor is different from what's it's been the last few times Jihoon's seen him. Not cheery and light, but not so despondent, either; more jittery and uncertain. Mumbling, all reserved.

"You would tell me, right?" he asks. "Like, if you had a thing for someone. Because that's what friends do? It's what we would've done if we hadn't fallen for each other."

Jihoon feels his heart knock around its cage, pushed off balance by how casually spoken Soonyoung's words are - or, not really casual, but careless. Like he didn't think them through for even just a second before letting them out into the open air.

He's not sure how to respond, so he just says, "I don't like Seungcheol. Not like that."

"You used to."

"Yeah," Jihoon scoffs, "used to. In like, our junior year of high school. That was six years ago, and it lasted less than a few months."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Okay."

They're almost at Soonyoung's apartment, now. He can feel the back of his hand brushing against Soonyoung's as they walk; he feels the heat spike in his chest, tries to suffocate it, fails to. He wonders if Soonyoung can feel it, too.

And he knows he shouldn't say anything, he knows he's just making a bigger mess of something he's tried hard to keep in order, but it's the curiosity that pushes him to ask -

"You aren't jealous, are you?"

He mostly expects Soonyoung to brush off the partial accusation, scratch his neck and laugh and say  _no, no, don't be silly, of course not._ Instead, he's just quiet for a really, really long time. Jihoon has to repeat his name twice before he gets an answer.

"I don't - I don't know, Jihoon," he says, running his hand through his hair. His eyes are focused on some distant point ahead of them, mouth pulled into something like frustration. "Like, I know it's stupid, but I can't really help it, just seeing the way he was looking at you."

"How was he looking at me?"

"Like - Like, adoring, kind of? Like he was laughing at Seungkwan, but he was looking at you, and his smile was all big and his eyes were scrunched up and he was looking  _right_  at you and it was like - the way I used to look at you. The way I still ... yeah."

Quiet, quiet pondering, and then, "You're overthinking this, Soonyoung. Seungcheol isn't into me like that."

"I know," he mumbles, pressing the base of his palm against his forehead, an exasperated picture. "But I do that, you know? I overthink things, and seeing that, and thinking that maybe - maybe there's a  _chance_  - God, it sounds so shitty, but it kinda makes me feel sick, Jihoon."

"You ... You felt sick ... thinking that I might be interested in someone else ... ?"

Soonyoung's silence is answering enough.

Jihoon knows he should be annoyed - who is Soonyoung, his  _ex_ -boyfriend, to make him feel guilty for feelings he doesn't even have? - but he can't be, really, because he's too busy being flustered.

The heat travels up his spine, warming the back of his neck and burning his cheeks an ungodly shade of red, and maybe it's too much to hope that it isn't light enough outside for Soonyoung to see; judging by the small, hesitant smile growing on the boy's face, the odds don't seem to be in Jihoon's favor.

 

**—**

 

Jihoon wants to combust. He wants to feel himself light on fire, and burn up right here on this very couch. A pile of ashes would be  _so_  much better at handling the situation than the way he is right now.

They moved on, they picked the worst film they could find and nestled between cushions, knees touching thighs, breath touching skin, because it's a terrible, terrible horror, but Soonyoung is  _so_  easily frightened, and he's sitting  _so_  close - too close - and Jihoon can't focus on a thing when his entire body is buzzing like static.

The distance between them is anything but responsible. Soonyoung's got this adorable pout fixed on his face, and thank God his eyes are trained on the screen, because if they weren't, he might see Jihoon's gaze glued to his lips.

Even when he does glance over, for just a second, to ask if Jihoon wants anything the drink, the latter is too slow to stop, and all he can think is  _just friends, just friends, just friends - just friends don't do this._

It's not just friends, and it's never been.

"Hey, Soonyoung," he rasps.

"Hm?"

"Don't be mad at me." Soonyoung laughs a little, just lightly, a nice break between the furrow of his brows and the way his jaw is clenched at what's happening on screen.

"What would I be mad at you for? If you think it's the movie, don't worry, I'm loving this - "

"No, I mean - "

"Samuel L. Jackson is literally fighting sharks, there's no way I'm  _not_  enjoying this - "

"Soonyoung, I'm not talking about the film."

"What is it, then? Why would I be mad at you?"

Jihoon finds it in him to reach for the remote and pause the screen, plunging them both into a thick, steady silence. He breathes.

"I don't know what I want."

A brief silence, enough for his words to sink in, until Soonyoung speaks.

" ... I have cookies in the cupboard, if you want them."

"What? No, you're not understanding - "

"No, I get it, I know what you mean, and I'm ignoring it, because I don't have the energy to put up with this anymore - "

"I should have never left you," he says, effectively cutting Soonyoung off.

He manages to shock himself into a stillness with the realization, and it's almost relieving to have said it; the same lie he kept telling himself, building up and up like thick, black tar between his ribs, and now it's washing away. Now, he's created a whole new set of problems for the both of them, but at least his heart won't stick so terribly still to its confines. Now, he can breathe.

Oh, but nothing's at ease.

Soonyoung speaks slowly, "Do you ... Do you remember  _why_  you broke up with me? Because I do, I remember it word for word." When Jihoon doesn't say anything, he continues.

"You said it wasn't working. You said we were both too busy to make time for each other and I wasn't listening to you, that all the efforts you were making were going towards nothing, and - and if we couldn't work through something as simple as distance, then we wouldn't stand a chance in the long run. You said that."

Jihoon's voice shakes, "I know."

"And I remember how we lead up to that - it went from 'I'll call you later' to 'Sorry I couldn't make it for lunch,' until it got to the point where our phone calls lasted less than two minutes and you - sometimes you wouldn't say  _I love you_  back, and it hurt, Jihoon, but I kept telling myself that it would be fine, because we still loved each other, right?" Soonyoung inhales, the air rattling as it meets his lungs.

"But it wasn't fine. It got bad, and it stayed bad, and suddenly we weren't going to always be there for each other. Suddenly, we were dysfunctional and bound to fall apart." Their eyes meet squarely, one gaze bitter and the other one wavering.

"So tell me, what happened to all that? What's changed for  _you_ , Jihoon?"


	7. Chapter 7

♧

 

 **JIHOON'S CRYING, NOW** _._ A quivering, sobbing mess on the couch, with his fists balled up and pressed to his eyes. He can just barely get the words out.

"N-Nothing changed, Soonyoung. None of it was ever true to begin with."

"Oh, my God, then  _why_  - "

"I was just - " 

He catches himself, looking up and hiccuping because he can't, he can't say it. He can't admit that these last few months and all the heartbreak and confusion were of his own personal issues, no fault of Soonyoung's whatsoever. He can't do that.

Oh, but he should.

And when Soonyoung's glare turns soft and worried, he knows he has to.

"I was just ... I was so insecure, Soonyoung. I was so worried about myself and my own feelings, and I was overthinking everything and I - I thought you didn't love me anymore," he finishes quietly. Soonyoung stares, and his expression is so hard to read, it almost scares Jihoon. He rushes to explain, refusing to make eye contact.

"Be-Because we'd grown so far apart, and when I tried talking about it you would always brush me off, and then I started thinking that maybe you wanted it? The distance? I started thinking that maybe ... maybe there was  _someone else_ , and I - God, I couldn't take the thought of it, Soonyoung, the only thing I could think to do - "

" _Are you kidding?_ "

The sheer astonishment in his tone is enough to quiet Jihoon, snapping him shut with a click and a lock in place to keep it so. He shouldn't say any more.

"Christ, tell me that's a joke, Jihoon. You can't be serious."

When Jihoon doesn't respond, opting to stare at his lap and will away the burning behind his eyes, Soonyoung groans and presses himself further into the couch.

"Oh my God, why would you - ? I mean, I get why, but Jesus, that's not - God, I feel  _terrible_  - "

"It's not like you actually did anything wrong, you know."

"No, but ... Jihoon, you should've told me that. I could've cleared things up, I could've - we could've fixed things. I never meant to make you feel like that."

One breath, two, three, his heart beat, beat, beating, and he can barely hear himself over the sound of his own pulse -

"Let's clear things up now, then."

Soonyoung sighs, moving so that he can face Jihoon's profile squarely; moving to grab the latter's face and forcing him to meet his eyes. They're serious and sentimental, and Jihoon thinks he can feel the air between their gazes trembling, like two same-poled magnets pressed too close.

"For the record," he starts, "I'd never dream of cheating on you, okay? Fuck, Jihoon, you mean the world to me, and I just thought that - I thought that the whole distance thing was like, temporary? Like just a phase in our relationship, and I was worried that if I said or did anything about it, I'd make things worse, so I just tried my best to ignore it, you know? Which, in hindsight, was the stupidest thing I could have done."

"Kind of, yeah."

"I never meant it, you have to know that."

"I know."

It's terribly still, like everything's frozen in place except for the two of them, chests rising and falling with the weight of what's been offered up. Oh, confessions, lovely admissions; how useful they would have been six months ago.

But Jihoon's not angry. Even now, with his skin feeling tight under tear tracks and his mind reeling slightly, he can't help thinking that Soonyoung looks so wonderful. Stripped down to nothing but honesty and his heart bared completely, he's a delicate kind of beauty; like raw, like pink cheeks and wet lashes, like Jihoon really,  _really_  wants to kiss him and put everything behind them.

It can't be that easy, though.

Soonyoung laughs suddenly, if you can even call it that - it's more of a pitched sort of gasp - and he says, "I think you cutting off all contact with me was the worst. I would've sucked it up, you know, dealt with being friends when what I really wanted was to be your boyfriend again, just for the sake of still being able to see and hear you. Didn't happen, though.

"You know what's really pathetic?" he continues, giving up more hollow laughter. "I still texted and called you like, all the time. I think part of me was hoping you'd unblock my number, which you never did, but that didn't stop me."

"Really?"

"Mm-hmm. Here - " He fishes his phone out of his pocket and scrolls a bit, handing the device over to Jihoon. He wants to cry all over again when he sees them all - dozens and dozens of messages, all highlighted red and undelivered, going all the way back to the day they broke up. The most recent one is from less than a month ago, the same week they met at Joshua's apartment, if he remembers correctly.

"I don't really know why I'm showing you these," Soonyoung mumbles, playing with the hem of his shirtsleeve. "It's super embarrassing, I know, but I ... I want you to know that it was never a matter of me falling out of love with you. I never  _stopped_  loving you."

Jihoon finally looks up to search Soonyoung's gaze, sniffing despite his attempts to compose himself. When he looks at him, he feels like he might burst, or burn up, or both. Like a balloon lit on fire. Like he's got too many thoughts and too many emotions and the only way he can think of dispensing them might not be a good idea.

"I'm sorry I hurt you," he says, swiping at his nose, "and I'm sorry for making things difficult. But you gotta - you gotta know that I was bullshitting with that whole 'let's just be friends' thing, because you thought of it, and then I thought that that's what you really wanted, and I was worried that if I gave in and tried to initiate anything - anything  _more_  - then I would just ... make things worse. I didn't want to go through all that again.

"The truth is, I've always been crazy about you. As hard as I tried to convince myself and everyone around me that it's not true - God, I have been, I still am, and I'm the biggest idiot alive for pushing things this far."

Soonyoung watches him steadily, and Jihoon wants to squirm under the weight of his attention. He's exposed a lot of himself tonight, opened up vulnerabilities that leave him feeling far too disquieted for his liking, but he knows that it's for the best. If nothing else comes out of this, at least the truth will have. No more miscommunication and bruises without reason. Now, both of them have the story straight - and that's got to count for something.

Still, a kiss would be nice.

Jihoon isn't really thinking in neat lines when he pushes himself closer to Soonyoung, letting the latter wrap his arms around him and situate him comfortably in his lap, and it's the closest they've been in  _too_  long. It isn't until he hears it, feels it, that Jihoon is fully hit with the force of how much he's missed having Soonyoung's heartbeat pressed against him; how much he's missed soft kisses pressed to the top of his head and warm breath on his cheeks.

Now, after so long, he's got it - and he doesn't even want to think about how unbearable it'll be to let go eventually.

Soonyoung's voice comes quiet, cautious, "Jihoon? What are we now?"

"Whatever you want us to be."

Soonyoung's fingers find their way to Jihoon's chin, moving his head back just the slightest so that he has a full view of Jihoon's face, and he doesn't even mind the burning that spread across his skin; for once, he's okay with it, and he's okay with his irregular heartbeat, sending ripples throughout the rest of his body. He's okay with them, like this, intimate.

Soonyoung whispers, "Do you mean that?" and he's okay with the certainty of his nod.

He's okay when the boy leans closer, until there's barely any space between their mouths, and Jihoon can feel Soonyoung's lips brushing his when he whispers, "So we can do this, then?" and again, he's okay with having zero doubts. He's okay, he's okay, he's okay.

Soonyoung kisses him softly, and it's the most vibrant, pulsing okay he's ever felt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!!!


	8. Chapter 8

♧

 

 **SOONYOUNG'S HEAD SITS**  heavy in Jihoon's lap, and Jihoon thinks it must be weighed with words; words and dreams, unspoken and unreleased. It's nearly three in the morning, now, but neither one of them wants to sleep and their conversation can only carry them so far. They don't know what to do, at this point.

"How are we going to explain this to the others?" Jihoon finally asks, his voice quiet. He feels Soonyoung shift against him, shrugging.

"We'll tell it like it is."

"They'll never let me live this down."

Soonyoung grins, eyes fluttering as he turns to press his face against Jihoon's sweater; Jihoon's heart rate spikes, and he worries for a moment that Soonyoung might be able to feel the crackers going off in his stomach, lighting every one of his insides on fire. He worries, and then he doesn't, because he thinks he might not really care.

"Good. I hope you don't."

Jihoon's words come out light and far-away as he combs his fingers through Soonyoung's hair, "Don't be mean," and the boy moves again so their eyes can meet.

"I love you," he mumbles, and it's just soft enough to be folded neatly into Jihoon's heart; just warm enough to melt his core. Jihoon can still feel his lips tingling. His gut is clenching against the freefall that is being in love with Kwon Soonyoung.

"I love you too," he says, and it feels like putting a plaster on a cut.

It feels like healing.

 

—

 

Jihoon was right when he said his friends would never let him live it down, but he's decided he doesn't mind so long as he can feel Soonyoung's hand in his again. After months of going without it, the contact makes him oddly excited. Like being hopped up on too many cups of hot chocolate; all warm and sweet-like.

They talk about everything, now, even the tiniest things. Even when it seems pointless.

"It's never pointless," Soonyoung tells him. "If it doesn't hurt us, it's not pointless. Hell, even if it does hurt us - I want to hear everything. No more secrets and miscommunication." Jihoon likes that idea a lot.

So they accompany each other when they can. Soonyoung will meet up with Jihoon during his lunch breaks, and he always tries his best to be home before midnight, because he knows Jihoon doesn't like it when he overworks himself; he reminds Jihoon to eat his breakfast and lets him judge whatever new choreography he's come up with - and Jihoon always loves it - and they argue sometimes because the latter works more hours than he should and doesn't like to listen when he knows he wrong, but it's fine, because they're together, and they love each other, and it's going to stay that way.

They can't afford to lose it again. They'll do what they can to hold on.

It's what they've promised each other.

 

—

 

"I still can't believe you broke up with him because you tricked yourself into thinking he was cheating."

"Feel free to shut the fuck up at any time, Seungkwan."

Soonyoung giggles against his shoulder. Jihoon feels the warmth all the way to his fingertips.

Oh, promises. He'll keep this one for all the world's worth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is technically the last chapter, but i've got a little bonus thing coming up next ! (i'll post it right after this, since i don't think it's something waiting a whole other day for) it's super short, but i'll include a proper author's note there <3


	9. Chapter 9

♧

 

_**[4:15 am]** look i know you don't want to talk to me anymore but if there's any chance of you seeing this i want you to know i'm sorry for whatever problems i've caused_

 

**Message could not be** **delivered** **.**

 

_**[4:16 am]** i don't think i've ever regretted anything more than being the reason you wanted to break up, but i promise i don't regret our relationship. i don't think i ever will. you hurt me a lot but loving you is not something i'll ever want to take back and i need you to get that_

 

**Message could not be** **delivered** **.** _  
_

 

_**[4:19 am]** and i know it's been over a month since we last talked and i know you probably don't want anything to do with me ever again but i just. i really think we could have made it work. i really think things could have turned out differently_

 

**Message could not be** **delivered** **.**

 

_**[4:20 am]** if we'd just tried a little harder_

 

**Message could not be** **delivered** **.** _  
_

 

**—** **  
**

 

_**[1052 pm]** hi !! sorry i'm running a bit late_

_**[10:52 pm]** i got caught up and didn't realize the time_ _  
_

_**[10:52 pm]** but i'm on my way back now!!! i'm stopping to pick up sandwiches for us and we can have dinner together_ _  
_

_**[10:53 pm]** i'll remember to get urs without mayo this time_ _  
_

_**[10:53 pm]** anyways! i'll see u soon!! love u <3_ _  
_

 

_it's okay don't worry_ _**[10:54 pm]** _

_i'll be right here! can't wait_ _**[10:54 pm]** _

_and i love you too <3_ _**[10:54 pm]** _

__

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaand that's it my friends !! i just wanna give a quick thanks to anyone & everyone who lefts comments and / or kudos, because those sorts of things really do mean the world to me. i'm so glad you all seemed to like this !! 
> 
> i've got another soonhoon story planned and in the making, so if you're interested in that i'd suggest being on the lookout for it - hopefully i can get the first chapter up soon.
> 
> thanks again !! a million hearts for all of you <3<3<3


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